Healing

It doesn’t happen at once. Never.

It happens as slowly as when you breathe deeply to remind yourself you’re alive and that’s the only thing you focus on. The breaths are heavy, each carrying the weight of all that has been suffocating you

It happens as quietly as you open your eyes when you wake up from a nap you were not supposed to take. You can’t decide whether to feel as good as you actually do, or to let yourself be guilty for being selfish

It happens stealthily, un-disturbingly while you’re lying there waiting for it, unable to realize your own hold on yourself. You exhale a loud breath and get distracted, stop waiting for it, forgetting that you were waiting for anything at all

It happens, but not as you expect it to. Not easily. Not when you plead yourself not to call his number and end up dialling it nineteen times and erasing it each time. Not when you expect a friend to call you at 3 am and ask whether you’ve been able to sleep at all. Not when you wake up at 6 but lie in bed till 10 anyway.

It doesn’t happen in the foreground ever. It doesn’t happen when you keep a watchful eye on yourself. It happens when you close them, and don’t realize that you’re not crying.

It happens when days later, you realize you fell asleep last night, without anyone checking up on you and without feeling disappointed that no one did. It happens when you realize you wanted to dial his number last night but got distracted before you could get to your phone.

It happens when you’re okay with going out alone and don’t feel abandoned

It happens when you enjoy a meal without feeling guilty

It happens when you forgive them for not being who you want them to be

It happens when you forgive them for not loving you enough

Because now

Days and weeks and months later

You’ve realized that you’ve forgiven yourself

For not loving yourself enough

Healing, doesn’t happen when you stop

Hurting yourself

It happens when you start

Loving yourself//