I'm not in love with you. I don't remember the last time I was. I'm not even crying over you anymore. I used to, but then the hurt never stopped so I learnt how to stop tears. I'm crying over myself, a little, a lot, everyday. But there aren't any tears for myself either. I'm just, confused. Where do I go from here? I know I have to go alone, but where? And where will you go? On that path we chose together? I don't think you'll go there. You're not the one I chose that future with. You're different. Thank God I know that at least because I have no idea of who I am. I have no idea of who I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to move forward and move on and forget the past and forget you and forget myself but then who do I become? I've been lying here in this old t-shirt for I don't know how long because I don't know what else to do. I'm tending to my wounds, carefully caressing each scar on my skin and taking my time to learn to love myself, since I was so busy loving you, discovering your body and your heart that I totally forgot about this one. So I'm sitting here now, taking slow drags of the abundance of pain lying in front of me. The stock is full and I have no idea where it's supposed to go, how it's supposed to fit into me. There's still love inside, so I'll have to empty some space. It'll take time, some learning and unlearning and some breathing. But it's difficult to breathe here, there's only smoke around. I caused it, I know, but what could I have done? I opened Pandora's box and now I have to live with it. But how? My vision is clouded and my heart is beating too fast but my limbs are too tired now. Have you ever experienced this? When you're so aware of your breaths that it's the only thing you can feel but you're still so numb that you're not even sure if you're breathing fine. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I think I'll just feel tired today, and figure out the rest tomorrow, when I'm not so tired, or later maybe, because I don't think this tiredness is going to go away any time soon. It's here to stay, it seems, longer than you did.
Thursday, 16 November 2017
Not In Love
I'm not in love with you. I don't remember the last time I was. I'm not even crying over you anymore. I used to, but then the hurt never stopped so I learnt how to stop tears. I'm crying over myself, a little, a lot, everyday. But there aren't any tears for myself either. I'm just, confused. Where do I go from here? I know I have to go alone, but where? And where will you go? On that path we chose together? I don't think you'll go there. You're not the one I chose that future with. You're different. Thank God I know that at least because I have no idea of who I am. I have no idea of who I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to move forward and move on and forget the past and forget you and forget myself but then who do I become? I've been lying here in this old t-shirt for I don't know how long because I don't know what else to do. I'm tending to my wounds, carefully caressing each scar on my skin and taking my time to learn to love myself, since I was so busy loving you, discovering your body and your heart that I totally forgot about this one. So I'm sitting here now, taking slow drags of the abundance of pain lying in front of me. The stock is full and I have no idea where it's supposed to go, how it's supposed to fit into me. There's still love inside, so I'll have to empty some space. It'll take time, some learning and unlearning and some breathing. But it's difficult to breathe here, there's only smoke around. I caused it, I know, but what could I have done? I opened Pandora's box and now I have to live with it. But how? My vision is clouded and my heart is beating too fast but my limbs are too tired now. Have you ever experienced this? When you're so aware of your breaths that it's the only thing you can feel but you're still so numb that you're not even sure if you're breathing fine. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I think I'll just feel tired today, and figure out the rest tomorrow, when I'm not so tired, or later maybe, because I don't think this tiredness is going to go away any time soon. It's here to stay, it seems, longer than you did.
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