STARS, SUNRISE, AND SLEEP

 I tried waking up early in the mornings. I tried so, because they told me to.

Now see, I am a night owl. I love the silence of the night. I love how when I look up at the sky at night, its mine. Everything’s mine. I know that whatever I do or say or write or paint, no one will know about it. Everyone’s asleep and I can finally find the solitude to listen to my own voice. There are no responsibilities texting me on WhatsApp, no social duties knocking my door for a customary greeting. I like writing at night because I don’t have to hide what I am writing with so much interest. I like reading at night because I don’t have to answer anyone about why did I just close my book and start crying suddenly. I don’t have to ask for anyone’s acceptance of who I am, and yet know that all my loved ones are near me. I have the security of knowing that in the next room sleep my parents who if need be, will be by my side in a jiffy. But everyone, every Quora answer and every ‘this is what 5 most successful people do early in the morning’ article, and every friend preparing for UPSC and every Aunt interested in my daily routine and even my parents told me how its unhealthy for me to stay up at night and sleep at odd hours.  “Imagine how beautiful the sunrise looks!” My mom once said, trying to make me look at yet another perk of waking up early, others being Surya namaskar and chattering birds and fresh mind and fresh air and for a second I thought ‘wow! That’s a lot! I wonder if there are different qualities of air for people who wake up at six and those who sleep at six. “I see the sunrise everyday Mom. I stay up and I see the twilight turning into a dark blue-pink-aqua blue-orange plus reddish blue- light filled sky. It’s a wonderful sight. Stars are visible in the late hours of the night and then you can see them gradually disappearing to make way for the Sun and then when you feel too emotional or too quiet, you feel like your work here is done, you can finally go to sleep.” I tried to explain to her that my love for sunrises was obviously deeper than she gave me credit for. She shook her head and replied “You have a weird sense of colours.” before going away. But now that everyone was so concerned about my health and well being, I really felt like I was missing out on something. Like I could only be productive if I started my day at 5 in the morning. The world has very strong convincing powers. Even if you’re content and happy within your own little self, it sure knows how to fuck your brain up.

The first time I decided to wake up at 5 in the morning, I went to bed at 10 and lay awake in bed till 12, finally gave up, opened my Laptop and watched Chandler and Monica fight over the secret closet. The one time I was tired of the day’s activities, I decided to put it to my use and organized for myself the perfect calming environment that guy in the youtube video had told about. A little reading in bed, no heavy meal, dark room and an alarm clock far away from the bed. At 4.40 precisely the next morning, I remember throwing a cushion on the alarm clock in an attempt to silence it. Then rang my phone, I had prepared well last night, I thought to myself, put the phone on silent and slept a dreamless sleep. It would have been fine if I weren’t affected so much. The more I failed at waking up in the morning, the more I started thinking that I was really failing at gaining an important experience. I felt like there was something really important out there that the world could experience and I couldn’t so there was obviously something wrong with me. So one day when I was finally able to drag my stubborn ass out of the bed in time and went to the balcony, I was sleepy obviously but also impatiently waiting to experience joy, elation and the so much sought after calmness. The sky was still dark and I couldn’t enjoy the stars today because all I wanted to do was to see the Sun and get it done with. I wasn’t feeling fresh, all my excitement had drained out knowing that only in an hour two, everyone will be up and there’ll be no me-time anymore. I couldn’t think about the birds for I was busy thinking about all the things I was supposed to do during the day. I was groggy, irritated and impatient. The Sun finally rose, a few moments of beauty but nothing that I hadn’t seen before.  Only now I was experiencing it with sleepy eyes and a body aching to go back to bed. As obvious, I couldn’t start my day after that and went back to sleep after paying my greetings to the Sun God.

But after that day, I decided I am not going to wake up early. I am not going to push myself for things that don’t make me happy at the end, in the name of ‘pushing my limits’. I am going to listen to everyone, but most importantly to the voice inside me. And I am not going to quieten that voice or let it get scared by the world’s screams. I am going to decide for myself what I find beautiful and calming, and not let anyone define it for me. I may be imperfect or less productive than the early risers, but I am happy. Sure, I could have practised and made my body accustomed to waking up early, but why? Because you said it?