A LITTLE SOMETHING (Poem)

Your eyes are still the same 
Your lips, oh how they remind me 
Of all that they did
But they look a little darker now 
Have you started smoking again? I wonder 
Or have you found a new lover 
Whose lips 
You kiss 
Every morning 
Before opening your eyes

Whose skin your hands caress

In the middle of the night

You smile at me

And ask how I’m doing
Oh I am fine honey

I am great, actually
I think my cheeks will fall off 
Coz they hurt so much 
I'm tired of smiling so hard 
But I will make sure 
That I look exactly the amount of happy 
I lie to be.

It’s awkward, yeah?

This silence between us

I’m still smiling

You fold your hands, trying to hide the awkwardness

I cant help but look away

You breathe deeply; I can feel it on my cheek

and ask what did you mean to me 
I think of all the permutations 
And combinations I could apply 
To answer this 
What did you mean to me 
I'm thinking 
I'm thinking 
Trying to find words 
Heavy enough 
To carry the weight of what you meant to me 
'well, something I hope' 
You say, trying to help me, I think. 
Yeah well, something,
'nothing more?' you ask, teasing 
And I can't think what nothing or something or more means 
For I am busy 
Trying to count the stars gleaming in your eyes 
When your eyes dance like they do now 
Do they do that with her too? 
That woman who made your lips darker? 
'not even a little?' you ask once more

Prodding me to answer 
Little. I think yeah, you meant a little. 
I feel proud of myself  
For you were only little 
Nothing more 
I am proud 
For forgetting you 
I am proud for not carrying you in me any more than little 
I think of how my lips burn a little 
Of your taste 
Before I take the first sip of coffee 
In the morning 
I think of how my eyes sting a little 
When I stare at the moon 
For too long 
How my feet tickle a little every time someone takes 
Your name 
How my cheeks flush a little every time 
I look in the mirror and imagine you staring at me
But I'm glad it's only a little 
That you ever meant to me 
For God knows what would happen if you were more 
Than little 
If you were bigger than 
Something.